My Immortal COMMENTARY
by sakura-sasuke324
Summary: Yes. My commentary on the best/worst fanfiction ever made. This is going to be either entertaining for you, or boring. DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my words.
1. Chapter 1

-Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **Yeah. You're as Gothic as Britney Spears. **2 my gf (ew not in that way) **Nothing wrong with being lesbo sweetie. **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **Although I like My Chemical Romance, there are other bands out there that 'rock'. Linkin Park, Queen, Metallica, Breaking Benjamin, Panic! At the Disco, etc. And MCR is NOT GOTHIC.**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness **What's with the apostrophe? **Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **Hey! That rhymes! **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **Are you using that in the right context? **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **You. Look. NOTHING. Like. Amy. Lee. **(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **That goes against my morals. … Incest. **I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **What? **I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **I don't think Hogwarts is in England… Definitely somewhere in the UK. **where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen)** No Shit Sherlock**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **More like a wannabe Goth. **and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic **Hot Topic can ship to the UK… Right? Because I don't think there's a Hot Topic there. … And Hot Topic isn't Goth I should know. I went there a few times. **and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset **PAINFUL! **with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets **Pay attention to the 'pink' guys. **and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation** But you have pale skin…**, black eyeliner and red eye shadow** Make-up, unless if you REALLY NEED IT, is for the weak in my opinion**. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **It was hailing? **so there was no sun **duh**, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **But they didn't do anything wrong!**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **Usually, I hate Draco. But in this, I feel so damn bad for him.**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **As someone said in another commentary: "****Draco. Isn't. Shy." If he was shy, there would have to be a reason behind it.**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Since WHEN do you have friends?  
><strong>

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

**Okay. So far so good. I have yet to get attacked by terrible grammar and spelling mistakes. Then again people, it's only the first chapter. This'll probably be updated frequently. Until then, see ya peoples!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz **Thanks **2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif **with **da **the **chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

**666? What are you? The fucking Omen? Fuck you Tara… if that ****IS**** your real name!**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **Good for you. Wait… Isn't Hogwarts like a boarding school? Shouldn't it be a "dorm room" or something?** It was snowing and raining again. **Da fuck? **I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **This appeared out of fucking nowhere! **My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **Seriously guys keep your minds on the color pink. I'm serious. **I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. **May I say that Harry Potter was set in the 90s? MCR wasn't formed until 2001 after September 11 happened. **Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **I wonder what happened to her uniform. Did she burn it, or sell it on the streets because it wasn't "goffick"? **I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **ouch…**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **Like Black Swan or something?**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)** Honest to god, I could literally care less about your damn appearance.**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **Nice use of text-talk… moron.**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin **Wow. You spelled Slytherin right. Yet you can't spell "chapter"? **common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **LIAR.**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **You whore.**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. **You know, if two people are in a conversation, you can drop the "tail-endings" after the first lines of the characters.  
>i.e. "Heya Shiro!" Takeshi called out as he smiled.<br>"Hey little buddy." The woman replied as she ruffled his hair.  
>"How are you?"<br>"I'm doing great! I'm going to be in a tournament soon, so I'm pretty hyped!"  
>"I wish you luck!"<br>"Thanks!"  
>See what I mean? Unless if you're in a conversation with three or more people the "tail-endings" are unnecessary after the two characters start the conversation.<strong>

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **Tara just had a grammar error. Let me correct it please "Well, Good Charlotte ****is**** having a concert in Hogsmeade." She also spelled "Hogsmeade" correctly. And as I said before, Harry Potter takes place in the early 90s. Good Charlotte didn't form until 1997… well, their first album wasn't in existence until 1997… moving on…**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. **I just noticed something: Where's Raven/Willow? Did she disappear? I hope so. **I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **We know! D**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **Why would a PUREBLOOD ask someone like EBONY to go out with them?**

I gasped. **LE GASP!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **Freedom of speech, sue-writer, freedom of speech. **odderwize **Otherwise **fangs **thanks **2 da goffik ppl **people **4 da good reviews **reviews. It's not that hard to spell you ass-hat!**! FANGS AGEN **again **RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Thank fucking god.** **And you spelled the band's name wrong, GOD DAMN IT!**

**What? No 6's? Fine bitch. Fine.**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **Don't care. **Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. **Those poor fishnets. **Then I put on a black leather minidress **MINYDRESS **with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **What's "corset stuff"? **I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **What does it match? **I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **NO COMPRENDO! **I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **What? **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **What? **and I listened to some GC. **Where are your commas? **I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **Why? **Then I put on some black lipstick. **Didn't you already have some on? And what day is it, damn it! **I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **Yet you put it on in the last two chapters… you, my good friend, are a moron. **I drank some human blood **when? **so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **How old is Malfoy? **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too)**They're not Gothic! Simple Plan formed in 1999. Since there's only seven grades in Hogwarts it would be impossible for Ebony OR Draco to be enrolled at the school in 1999. **, baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **Not the cool ones I know.**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **Why are you depressed?**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. **The word is 'replied'. **We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **It was in the air? You can fly? **(the license plate said 666 **Oh! There are the 6's!**) and flew to the place with the concert. **I'm waiting for the next part guys… I'm waiting for the next part… **On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. **No… Not Marilyn Manson… Poor guy for being one of the many victims listed in this fan fiction… **We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **Doing illegal things is fun! *SHOTKILLED* **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **Where's the car? **We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **Isn't a mash pit dangerous?**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). <strong>Can you use italics? Like this:<br>"**_**Dear Agony  
>Just let go of me<br>Suffer slowly  
>Is this the way it's got to be?<br>Dear Agony**_**"**  
><strong>Like that. I learned that little trick from reading a Naruto song fic a few years ago. I forgot what it was.<strong>  
>"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. <strong>… Whatever. Her own damn opinion.<strong>

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **To what?**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **You could keep the three lines in one paragraph like this example:  
>"He's amazing!" Kutso squealed with excitement. She looked over to Yami and noticed his expression. "Are… are you okay?" Moments later, she understood the situation. "Oh… Hey! Don't worry!" The former street fighter turned her head away from him and blushed slightly. "Besides. He's not as amazing as you."<br>There. At least three sentences in one paragraph. It's. Not. That. Hard.**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **OOC…**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **Hilary Duff is a decent actress with a pretty "normal" life nowadays! … Seriously I haven't heard much from her since she released her paranormal-romance book last year. … I hope she's not doing drugs!**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **HOW OLD IS DRACO? **and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. **T-shirts! **Draco and I crawled **like a baby? **back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **You don't need the ellipses there, sweetie!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **You fail at your own character's name. **nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **A likely story! **dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **Not a valid reason for making one of the douchebags of the series out of character.**

**Hello 6's!**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.** Now, since there is no mention of the ground, I will quote one of my favorite comments on YouTube… *sings to the tune of 'Walking on Sunshine'* **_**I'm walking on bullshit, WOO HOO!**_

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **I agree.**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped. **Yet again with this…**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **Bitch, how do you know? **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **What the fuck just happened?**

And then… suddenly just as I **Just as you what? **Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **That's used in the wrong context sweetie. **He took of my top and I took of his clothes. **Shirtless Draco. … I'll give you lovely Draco fan girls time to have a moment right now. **I even took of my bra. **No shit. **Then he put his thingie **Pencil. **into my you-know-what **Sharpener. **and we did it for the first time. **Checkers. Oh yeah… I forgot… This is a fail attempt at a lemon isn't it? Yep. It is.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **Usually the boy… Never mind you strange mary-sue. **We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

… **That could be fixed easily. Read this:  
>"We started to make out and my body rose in temperature with each passing moment. But then a shadow appeared before us.<br>'Pardon me, young lovers, but could you two take your business elsewhere?' the figure asked politely.  
>Draco and I turned our heads to the figure; it was the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore."<strong>

**See? It's not that damn hard. Notice how I'm not a professional author and I can make this poorly written scene a little bit more decent. ****XXXbloodyrists666XXX, go back to school and learn how to write well.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson **reason** Dumbledeor **Oooo… So close… **swor **just switch a few letters **is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **Yeah, I hate it when I get a headache. I get grounded for swearing constantly despite that I can barely stand up and my head feels as if it's going to fall off.**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **Ludacris is a rapper… Is it a word in the dictionary?**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **Oh! Who cut your eyes? Was it Draco? Dumbledore? J.K. Rowling? Amy Lee? Gerard Way? Mikey Way? Anyone? **Draco comforted me. **Fuck… **When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **I'm pretty sure you spelled… Never mind. You spelled her name right for once.**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **No. It's like this: " 'How DARE you.' Snape demanded."**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **Draco. Doesn't. Shriek. **

Everyone was quiet. **I would be too if Draco shrieked like a girl. **Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **Snape… I love you. :3**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **Dumbledore isn't a teacher…**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **"Gently"? "GENTLY"? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DRACO?**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. **You bitch. **I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair **at the same time? **and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **But… You… WHAT THE BLODDY HELL TIME IS IT IN THERE? **When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. _**Why can't anyone see? I just wanna live! Don't really care about the place I was in, Don't really care at all what happens to me, I just wanna live! (Just wanna live, Just wanna live, Just wanna live. Just wanna live. Just wanna live.) [do, do, do, do] **_I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. **… **After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **… I think you used it in the wrong context, sweetie.**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **"revows"?**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **… **_**IN**_** your ears? **I spray-painted my hair with purple. **As another user on said: "****You mean that stuff for Halloween?"**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk **ew…**, and a glass of red blood **ew…**. Suddenly someone bumped into me. **And you died! **All the blood spilled over my top. **What?**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **Wait for it… **He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **Bitch! How do you know? **and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore **Bitch, how do **_**YOU **_**know?**. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **I do like those accents… **He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **You can still get that feeling. It's called blushing.**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **And we are back in this dilemma…**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **Giggled? Harry Potter giggled?**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **You couldn't tell by the fangs, Potter?**

"Yeah." I roared. **PMS much?**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **You whore.**


	7. Chapter 7 Bring me to HELL

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **Wha? I want God to review my works! Damn it! **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN **"tin"? Don't you mean "ten"? **god vons! **What are these "vons" you speak of? **STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **Because I'm definitely afraid of someone like you. *rolls eyes* **Evony **Who's this hoe? **isn't a Marie Sue ok **"Marie-Sue"? **she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **You mean Satanist? **n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **So do I but that's life.**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish **With what? A stick? **as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings **"Sings"? **on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)**I don't know of this 'Maru-Sue' you speak of. **. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **What? **I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **You Mary-sue of a whore. **Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **What? **He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **Eh… *eye twitch* That must feel weird… **and he took off his pants. **No undies? **We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **Quoting from one of my favorite Dramatic reading videos on YouTube: "Yes. Yes it is." And Ebony… Are you a hermaphrodite?**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **I like Vampires… He likes them too. Why hate on the tattoo? … But down with the Twilight ones though. Seriously.**

I was so angry. **Why?**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **Wasn't Draco on top of you?**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **Out Of Character~…**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**… You homophobic-Mary-Sue-whore-biscuit-on-a-sandwich. And wouldn't you have that? I don't see the word 'condom' anywhere in this fan fiction at all.**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **At least Tom Felton has a nice body. **He had a really big you-know-what **… No comment. **but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people**. Don't you have** **class?**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **Uh… You have a mother?**


End file.
